I Want To Be Selfish

I believe that when we die we go to a better place. We go Home.  I always thought that when I die, I will be very happy.  I’ll be free of earthly limitations.  I’ll be free of  all the pettiness and evilness of this world.  I always believed that everything is predestined.  We are meant to go when we are meant to go.  Everything has been planned before we are born into this world.  But sometimes I wonder if I would be able to still hold this belief should I lose the most important people in my life. I have lost grandparents that I was close to, and I still hold onto this belief, but that is the natural order of life:  the old die and the young carry on.  But every now and then something happens like what has happened recently for me.

I lost a dear friend.  She was only 26.  She had cancer.  She discovered she had cancer less than a year ago.  Amazingly, she went through chemotherapy and was doing very well with the cancer.  She was beating it.  Unfortuantely, the chemotherapy created other negative side effects that ran her body down, and this is where her body failed her.  So now I will be attending a memorial service in the next week for a very young, very fun-loving woman that I am going to miss dearly.  So every so often, I find it a little difficult to hold onto my beliefs, especially when faced with the death of a young person.  Is wanting her back selfish?  Damn right it is.  But sometimes I want to be selfish.  Maybe for just a year, a month, a week or even a day.  But sometimes I just want to be selfish.

I’m going to miss you Jenna.  I look forward to the day I get to see you again on the Other Side.

*Photo by Kimberly Harris
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2 comments on “I Want To Be Selfish

  1. I’m sorry for your loss, Kris. Thanks for sharing your thoughts about this. I hold similar beliefs. Sometimes all it takes to let it slip away is the daily routine. I wanted to say something trite like, “even the smallest light shines bright in our darkest days,” blah-dee blah. But it’s really true.

    But I also believe in honoring and really experiencing our feelings. They tell us something about where we are and where we want to be. So, to allow yourself to feel selfish and have no qualms about it is admirable. Feel it, love it, then let it go. 🙂

  2. Thank you Chris. It is freeing to put my feelings out there instead of holding them in. Guess that’s why I’ve gotten addicted to blogging. 😉

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