During the course of the past two months, I lost a dear friend. I am not 100% sure what happened to our relationship, but obviously something went awry, and the end result was more or less a “break-up”. I was so frustrated and hurt, because it all happen so fast and out of the blue that it put me in shock. At that point in time, I didn’t want to talk it through with her. I was too hurt. Hurt because I was suddenly being told I was the bad guy and to blame for everything that went wrong. Hurt, because I never intentionally did anything against my dear friend. Hurt, and so very very confused, because I had no idea anything had even happened, until it happened.
After ending my therapy sessions this past summer, I had to return to my therapist to work out my feelings. I wanted yell and scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to be sad. I didn’t know what to feel or how I should feel. All I knew from feedback I received was that I supposedly “did some things” that were hurtful, even though I had no idea that I had done such things. There was no way I could see her face to face to talk things out. I have an angry side. Everyone does. I didn’t want to say or do something I could never take back. Instead, I did nothing. I tried to work out my feelings a few times in my blog, then I attempted to put it all out of my mind. This hasn’t been too difficult, since it is winter. In the winter, I find I come home from work, and because it is already dark outside, I don’t usually wish to leave the house again until work the next morning. So with the darkness, it has been easy to hide out in the house.
Now my life is starting to gain some clarity. I mentioned in an earlier blog my love of Numerology. I had a reading back in November, just before my 40th birthday. It is important when you get readings such as this to take good notes. A lot of things may not make sense at the time, but later, when you go back and read them, they start to fit. In Numerology, a year is based on your birthday, not the calendar year. Ironically, I was told that with the transition from my 39th year to my 40th year, I would experience loss and disappointment. I actually took this at the time to mean material loss. Today I see it differently. It was over the two week period around my birthday that I lost my friendship. I now believe this is the loss that I was told about. My 39th year was also in my “chart” as a year of feelings and high emotions. Well, if you read my blog back during the course of the past year, it was most certainly that! I was also told that in my 39th year, I had trouble setting boundaries and that I tended to “over help”. I thought to myself, ‘how can anyone over help?’ Now I see how. My friend would complain often to me (as friends do) about so many issues in her life. Issues that I had experienced myself. Issues I were able to get beyond with the help of medication and therapy. So, naturally, I wanted to help her. I now know she didn’t want my help. She just wanted someone to listen. It would have been nice if she could have just told me that. But of course, no one really knows what someone else is thinking. So I thought I was helping. She thought I was trying to change her. Two different perspectives. Both wrong.
My chart for my 40th year would finally do away with the intense emotions and is slated to be more intellectual and spiritual . This is set to be a year, where I would become more introverted, gain clarity and know what I want. While I found that refreshing, I was curious how that would come about. After avoiding any confrontations with my dear friend for a month and a half, I have started to piece these little things together. I have kept more to myself (remember the winter introversion thing), and with my evening solitude (and “a little help from my friends”), the clarity has been filtering in. Little things, yes. But when emotions are involved, they become big things. Big enough to ruin a friendship. Clarity doesn’t make things easier. But it sure helps to remove the emotions that muddle everything up.
So this evening I had a strong urge to walk over to my friend’s house and tell her I miss her. I took a leap of faith and I did just that. She wasn’t home. Disappointed, I returned home. Perhaps this is the universe’s way to tell me that part of my life is over. There is a reason people come and go in our lives, even if we don’t know that reason. But to make sure I don’t read too much into this one event, I took one additional step. I sent her a text message and told her I missed her. Maybe she will read it. Maybe she will delete it. Only the Heavens know what is to happen from here. But whatever the outcome, I still love her dearly. If this is the end of the road for this relationship, I will miss her, and I wish her nothing but the best.