Reality Sets In

And now the hard part….

I didn’t get to finish the March blog challenge in March. First I drove to my brother’s house in Ohio to meet my mom and pickup my girls after Spring Break.  Knowing I couldn’t afford the gas to do so, my mom agreed to pay for my gas. So it started out a nice visit.  The weather was beautiful, I went four-wheelin’ with my brother, went running with he and my sister-in-law….then Saturday night (right before Easter Sunday), the virus hit.  It hit so hard at first I was afraid to leave the bathroom.  Then I couldn’t leave the bed.  I spent all day Easter Sunday either in bed or in the bathroom.  I was not able to travel home as planned.  I was not able to eat or barely drink anything.  Thank God my Mom was there.  Even at 41 years old, I needed my mom as badly as a toddler needs their mommy to take care of them.  No one else will do.

Monday my girls were due back in school, as their spring break ended.  They wouldn’t make it.  I was still having dizzy spells and unable to drive myself home.  My brother and sister-in-law were absolutely wonderful and made arrangements to get me and my girls most of the way home.  They would have taken me all the way, but after eating some lunch and keeping it down, I insisted on finishing the last hour of the trip myself so they could head back home as well.  I made it just fine.  A little weak, but fine.  My brother even paid for another tank of gas for me.  Thanks Rob – you have no idea how much that helped!

Then in the wee dawn hours this morning, the day when I should have returned to work, and my girls to school, Virginia has been hit with this virus as well.  Let me tell you, as miserable as I felt, I almost prefer being the patient to being the nurse.  I haven’t dealt with anything this awful (aka messy) ever!  No matter how many times they were sick as babies, nothing can compare with this challenge.  Sure I could make my husband deal with it, he does have a stronger stomach, but Virginia needs a female to help her with the intimate aspects of this.  Again – thank you Mom for helping me through my bout with this virus!

As if this problem weren’t enough, since I am home from work today recuperating and taking care of my baby, I decided I’d better take a look at my bills before I miss something.  Boy did I miss a lot of somethings!  First, last month I paid Chris’ credit card twice and neglected to pay mine at all.  Now I’ve been slapped with a huge bill and all these fees that are wanted by the credit card company RIGHT NOW.  Chris did work this past weekend (the reason he didn’t travel with me in the first place), but he has yet to see any money from it.  But since he did work, he needed gas as well.  One gas station trip put our bank account over the edge.  Beyond Zero.  In the Red.  In the Hole.  And now I sit here staring at a stack of bills that came in over the weekend.  Bills I have no way to pay since I just had to make the house payment.

I’ve been able to keep optimistic for so long, and now you would think with things looking promising for Chris, I should still be optimistic.  So what’s the hard part?  I guess I should start by saying I didn’t have my Prozac for two days since I couldn’t keep it down – so this may be a slight factor in my thoughts at the moment.  But Prozac aside, every time something looks optimistic job-wise for him, nothing ever pans out.  The restaurant industry has got to be the most unprofessional industry when it comes to courtesy.  He always hears, “You’re our top candidate” or “We will let you know,” only to hear nothing ever again.  One company has interviewed him a couple of times, and had him cook for them three times – and he still hasn’t heard back.  Seems like a good scam to get free labor if you ask me!

So the hard part – I sit here contemplating yet again, what can I eliminate?  Should I go trade my car in today for a cheaper one?  That’s fine, but it won’t help me pay the bills in front of me.  Oh and did I mention we need a new roof on our house?  The insurance says they will pay for it, so we got that started, but in the mean time, I still have to come up with the money for the deductible.  So, now which bills do I ignore?  How long do I ignore them before I talk to a bankruptcy lawyer?  For someone who has always had near perfect credit my entire life, just the thought of skipping any bill is like a knife to the gut.

Yes, for the moment I truly feel hopeless, for I have no control of the situation.  (My job is fine.  No one is screwing me out of my pay.)  Maybe it’s because I missed a few Prozac doses. Maybe it’s because I haven’t eaten a full meal in three days.  Maybe it’s because I’m overwhelmed with the duties of being a nurse.  But I’m about to crack.  Scream.  The feelings want to come pouring out.  But I can’t for my family’s sake.  Still it’s there, right there on the edge.  The worst place to be – the edge of reality.

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