Wax On, Wax Off, Scream

waxOk so we have all heard the horrific, hysterical bikini wax joke/story via Facebook or some other source.  I’m here to say I lived it.  Yes, I could have almost written it myself.  Yes, it is that painful.  No I do not recommend it (waxing).  If you have not heard the story, you can find it here: Bikini Waxing Story.  My story started years before this common one surfaced on the web – hell it was years before social media!

Back when I was about 26 I gave it my first shot at waxing.  That’s when they were promoting “pain-free” do it yourself kits.  I thought, “Well hell, if it’s pain-free, why not?”  Besides, I had been waxing my eyebrows for 10 years at that point, and it didn’t even hurt.  Of course, I couldn’t start with someplace simple like my legs.  Hell no, that would require me growing the hair out on my legs to an unacceptable length.  Instead I chose to keep shaving my legs and try waxing my bikini area.  I won’t recreate the story above, I will keep mine brief.  I put that wax on, smoothed the strip on top like the instructions read, then ripped that bad boy off.  Holy Mother of God!  I was in so much pain, and NOT A SINGLE HAIR WAS REMOVED – only skin!.  So what do I do?  I’m dumb enough to try it a second time! Wax on, strip on, yank off, scream bloody murder!  Not only was this not working, but everything was starting to stick together.  I immediately jumped into the shower to try to remove it, but the only way to remove wax is with heat.  Hot water on stripped skin is complete hell!  Eventually I did get everything cleaned up and vowed never to try waxing again. 

Now here I am 15 years later, and technology has advanced and advanced and advanced some more.  It’s bathing suit season.  I was in the shaving aisle contemplating wearing my first swim suit (probably the first time in a few years) and figured I should get something to help with the razor burn that we all know is really unavoidable.  As I reached for a product specifically for that, I saw the latest in home waxing kits.  Pre-wax strips.  My mind began to contemplate.  I had flashbacks to 15 years ago and thought oh forget that.  But as if some unseen force directed my hand, right after I grabbed my shave cream, I grabbed a wax kit.

The wax kit sat in my cabinet for about two weeks.  Then one day I decided, I might as well try it if I bought it.  I pulled out the first strip and read the directions CAREFULLY.  I didn’t want a repeat of the hell I had already experienced.  I smoothed the strip on then held my breath as I grabbed that mother and ripped it off.  Holy F**k.  It took every ounce of strength I had not to scream in terror.  After all my family was home and I didn’t want to have to explain anything.  I looked at the results, and what do you know, it did remove the hair this time. And some skin.  And there was some blood.  More blood than I wanted.  While looking at the blood, I was beginning to think it wasn’t worth it, but I can’t do anything halfway.   On to the other side.  Wax on, wax off, scream, more blood.

The wax kit went back in the cabinet.  Way in the back of the cabinet.  Live and Learn they say….but sometimes we don’t learn.  Yes even I have my stupid moments.  Very stupid moments as I pulled that damn wax kit out again this week.  The results (other than the pain, removal of skin and blood) didn’t turn out so bad this last time, so I figured maybe the more you do it the more desensitized to it you will get  This really isn’t true – if you have ever waxed your upper lip, you will know that no matter how many times you do it, it is still guaranteed to make you cry.  And what is it about getting old that made my once smooth upper lip suddenly get hair on it?  Seriously Mother Nature – what gives?!

Anyway, once again, I slapped that wax strip on, held my breath and ripped it off.  Yep, still worked.  Still removed skin.  Still made me bleed.  And a new gift this time – bruising.  Damn me for having to be symmetrical.  I didn’t want to do it anymore, but I still repeated it on the other side.  Dumbest human invention ever.

So now I have decided I think I have finally learned my lesson and will no longer attempt this again.  The razor blade is my friend.

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5 comments on “Wax On, Wax Off, Scream

  1. It was my first time getting a brazilian, or any type of waxing for that matter, and this woman knew and still did not try and do anything to make me feel more comfortable. The only words she said to me were “strip” and “turn over and get on all fours”…saying i felt intimidated would be an understatement. I felt like asking “shouldn’t you at least buy me dinner first?” I was so grateful that it was over and never even looked inside the salon again as I walked by.

  2. Once you’ve set out your tools and have cleaned away any dirt or dead skin, you can apply a very light layer of baby powder to the area. Using a large makeup brush or powder puff, be sure to cover any skin that will be left vulnerable to the wax. This will help to protect your skin when ripping away the waxing strip. Use the powder sparingly, too much will muddle the wax and all your beauty pain will be caused in vain.

  3. Pingback: I’m at it Again! | My Inspirations

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