Oh the Torment

Like a scorned lover
you hold on
yelling then pleading
then ultimately lashing out
giving me headaches
I’m sorry
I don’t want you in my life any longer
Goodbye fat cells

I just experienced the first weekend of my “diet“.  I was preoccupied most of the time, so time flew by between meals.  But then the true tests hit. The first one: when I went grocery shopping.  I spent a large amount of time in the produce department picking up healthy choices for my family.  But with each item I picked up, I truly could imagine eating it and how it tasted.  I was salivating.  As my brain reminded me, “I will not be eating this”, a bit of sadness hit.   It was a little depressing.  I was relieved to leave the grocery store.  Distractions were easier to find at home.

Then Sunday I visited my friend Lori’s daughter in the hospital.  Because she was essentially “living” there for the time being, she had food.  Worse than having food, she had a relatively fresh batch of Mexican food.  Yum.  Lori offered tacos to her visitors (me included).  I declined.  But the girls helped themselves to chips and queso.  I had to remind myself I don’t like queso.  As we continued talking, Lori broke out a box of chocolates.  Again, I had to decline, not once, but twice as she came around the room with the box.  LOOK AWAY my brain silently yelled to me.  I did just that.  I stayed strong.  We were only there a little over an hour, but it felt like much longer.  Upon leaving, my daughter Klara asked if she could get lunch.  She wanted Taco Bell.  I obliged, but then I had to smell tacos in my car.  My stomach grumbled and pleaded with me all the way home.  I was so relieved that upon walking in the door it was time for me to eat again.  I had my “meal” and I was fine.  The rest of the day I seemed to be ok.  Until closer to bedtime.  The girls wanted a snack.  After sharing my knowledge of health and nutrition with them, and steering them away from more junk, I provided them with some pineapple.  The smell permeated the air.  I envisioned myself popping a piece into my mouth and could taste the juiciness.  Just as I was about to do just that, my diet partner’s voice came to my mind and I could hear KRISTINE – NO!.  I walked away.  I had to leave the room.  I had to leave the smell.  I went and sat in bed to watch TV.  I was thirsty, but I think there was something about that pineapple that made it where I could no longer deal with drinking water.  The taste (or lack of) of the water was making me sick.  I didn’t want it.  I went to bed – sleep would be my only salvation.

Unfortunately, I woke up unexpectedly at midnight.  Once again, my stomach was on a rampage.  It was starving.  It was angry with me.  I could hear it screaming at me.  My only option – drink water.  I still couldn’t bear the thought of more water.  I lay there for at least a good thirty minutes as my stomach begged, pleaded and seemingly punched at me from the inside.  Fighting me to get up and go eat.  I wanted to cave in so bad.  I felt so miserable!  I fought back, mentally.  After about 30 minutes it gave up.  I felt calmer.  I went back to sleep.

I survived the first weekend.  I can do this.


2 comments on “Oh the Torment

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