Under Pressure

Every so often a tremendous sadness overcomes me and I just have to cry.  I usually cannot explain why.  Of course there certainly are days where I’ve cried because of very specific circumstances in my life.  But I never told anyone before that there I times that the sadness will become so much that I will just cry with no explanation (not even my therapist, when I had one). While this sadness may hit me quite often during the day, luckily the formation of actual tears usually happens most often when I am laying in bed at night. There in the comfort of darkness I can cry, and I do not feel the need to determine the reason why or to explain something I myself cannot fully comprehend.  As you most likely know from this blog, I have had my bouts of anxiety and slight depression.  Along with that, I have had my doses of prozac and therapy.  I have been off prozac and have not been to therapy in a little over a year now and no, I do not feel the need for either at this point in my life.  But then there are days like today.

Today was one of those days, where the heaviness just sinks in and there is no way out other than through the passage of tears.  But today it did not happen in the solitude of darkness.  Today, as always, the feeling caught me off guard as I was laughing while talking to a dear friend.  I was laughing!  Then I suddenly wanted to cry.  I could not hide it, no matter how much I wanted to.  So I was in a situation where it seemed an explanation was warranted.  So I started just randomly talking.  What did I do today?  What took place?  What did I read?  Then little by little, tiny details starting coming forward.

I love sharing.  It seems at present I have an abundance of friends online, but less that I can count on one hand in person.  I’m ok with that.  The ones I have in person I hold near and dear to my heart. They are my family, and I enjoy my small group of confidants.  But as I said, I love sharing.  Because of this, I do spend a great deal of time on Facebook. There I can connect with my extended family and friends past and present and near and far.  The majority of the time I find Facebook to be humorous, uplifting, entertaining, and I can share jokes and stories with anyone who wants to listen.  But lately there has been much more going on there.  It has been full of politics, race wars, animal cruelty, missing children reports, and then stories that go even darker into the depths of the evil side of the human race.  Now what is odd about me is that do I enjoy watching shows like Dateline or those about unsolved mysteries, but I quit watching the news a long time ago, because I did not want to be bombarded with stories regarding acts of cruelty or senseless violence. Yes, I know…it’s a contradiction.  Anyway, I learned a long time ago to monitor the negativity that comes into my life the best that I can.  I had to.  I know now that I am an empath.  I did not fully understand what this meant until recently.  As a child, I would lay in bed at night, unable to sleep, because horrific real life events that I would hear in passing would run through my head and I would worry, cry, toss and turn all night.  They were nightmares for me, but they were real for the very people who faced such experiences.  So I learned to block them out.

Now, as I browse through Facebook, watching inspirational videos, reading inspirational stories, sharing jokes, every few posts there it is.  One of those posts.  Hatred.  Murder.  An abused pet.  An abandoned child.  A missing child.  A murdered child.  And yes, some things even more sinister than that.  Things only horror movies should be made of.  As I started sharing the things I’ve read or saw today with my friend, another one would come to mind that I saw yesterday. Then one from the day before.  And it continued.  And the tears flowed.  What has become of our world?

So I got home from work wanting to hug my children tightly because, for now, they are safe.  Instead of letting my two teens  think their mom has lost it again, I took them to get frozen yogurt.  In the car as we laughed and acted stupid, helping me forget the sadness for today, the perfect song started to play…..”Under Pressure” by Queen and David Bowie.  And I have to ask, why can’t we as humans truly give love a chance?  Why?

Under Pressure
(Queen & David Bowie)

Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you, no man ask for
Under pressure that burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets

It’s the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming, “Let me out!”
Tomorrow gets me higher
Pressure on people – people on streets

Chippin’ around, kick my brains ’round the floor
These are the days – it never rains but it pours
People on streets – people on streets

It’s the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming, “Let me out!”
Tomorrow gets me higher, higher, higher…
Pressure on people – people on streets

Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don’t work
Keep coming up with love but it’s so slashed and torn
Why, why, why?


Insanity laughs under pressure we’re cracking
Can’t we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can’t we give love that one more chance?
Why can’t we give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love?..

‘Cause love’s such an old-fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under pressure
Under pressure



5 comments on “Under Pressure

  1. Beautiful post my dear online friend. I have to qualify myself as one of those folks who like to share. It’s probably the biggest reason I miss teaching.

    I’ve missed you out at Tune pics! I suspect I’ll hang out more frequently now at Nusiki, so I’ll hope to see you there. Sending warmest wishes to you and yours. I’d like to believe that any excuse to hug our kids is a good one!

    Hope to virtually hear/see you soon.
    Your friend,

  2. Last comment I swear…. First day of school, wow that’s early! In Virginia things start a little later, but I like the idea of starting now and having your summer when the weather is not miserable as it is now. It looks like happy returns, so I hope day 1 opens new doors and bright hopes for your little girls. Take care.

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