Dear Obi

My Dearest Obi,

41 days. That’s how long it has been since you’ve been gone. I had my last real cry when it was exactly a month. That was the day your ashes came home. Since then I feel like you’ve given me permission to let go. Maybe it’s just me giving myself permission now that you have “come home”.  I’ve been doing better. I looked at puppies yesterday that were up for adoption. They were adorable, but I couldn’t take any home. They weren’t you. But I was still alright. Maybe I felt ok because I had you at the forefront of my mind.

Ivy

Then I let go of thinking about you and dogs in general for the day and went shopping. That’s when I was surprised with grief again. I passed the dog food aisle and saw the treats. Just for a split second I thought about picking up some treats for you. Just a split second. Maybe it was the surprise of the unexpected, subconscious thought, but it brought back my grief. I got through it by letting myself get distracted. Even adopted another kitty that evening. A black one named Ivy. She will be for Klara to help her heal. She is still quite heartbroken over losing you just as I am. Ivy is a new friend for Baya too, as I’m sure she misses you as well. I can’t get a dog just yet. A dog will be mine. But I’m not ready yet.

 

Baya and Obi

Baya has been “taking great care of me” since you’ve been gone. Virginia’s cat, who at one time didn’t pay much attention to me, has now filled some of the holes you have left in my life. She is a part of my morning routine where you once were. She greets me when I come home like you once did. She has shown me so much love this past month, knowing full well that I needed it.  And she has also taken to sleeping in your spot on the bed at night. I didn’t think much about it until laying here this evening. It’s your spot. She knows it’s your spot. The alpha spot? Perhaps she is alpha now and that’s her stating so. I thought it was cute and moved over to snuggle with her. As I closed my eyes and pet her, the tears flowed. With my eyes closed I could feel you there. My Obi. My baby. I didn’t want to open my eyes to the reality, but there’s no way around it.

I miss you Obi. I will love you forever. Thank you for providing me with this small amount of comfort named Baya. It means more to me than you will ever know.

Love Mama 🐾💙

Baya

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The Hard Hits

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It is so very hard to believe that at this very moment one week ago, I was saying goodbye to my beautiful Obi.  It has been a very difficult week for me emotionally. There are still many people who don’t understand.  I can’t blame them.  After all, to them he was just a dog.  But you see, he wasn’t just a dog to me.  He was a major part of my life.  For 9 years he was my morning routine, my evening routine, my snuggle buddy.  He loved me like no other creature could, and I loved him just as much in return.  An unconditional love.  Love like that is truly rare.

The first day was excruciating.  The second day unbearable.  By the third day, I had talked about it to so many people so much and it started to get a little easier to deal with.  Over the course of the week, the pain has lightened, but it hasn’t been without its moments of hard hits.

  • The silence each and every time I walk through the door.
  • Getting up in the morning to let Obi outside, only to realize I don’t have to get up.
  • Turning to feed him my leftovers, only to realize he’s not there.
  • Wanting to ask for a doggie bag so I can take my leftovers home to him.
  • The habit of returning home from a long day to ask if anyone has given Obi his medicine.
  • Shutting my bedroom door, and briefly thinking I better leave it open so he can get in…but he won’t be coming in.
  • Realizing, that even when I’m feeling ok, my daughter has had her share of moments and we break down in tears together.

There were many more moments that brought me to tears throughout the week.  I am quite thankful for the many people in my life who let me cry when the moment would hit me out of the blue.  I did receive a new source of affection, however.  My daughter’s cat, Baya, who didn’t want me to love on her very much before, has stepped in to help fill a void.  One day when I walked in from work to a silent house, I was about to break down crying, and she ran to me and provided me with some much-needed affection.  Aware of my morning routines to let Obi out while getting my coffee, she now runs to the backdoor as I make my coffee, and she and I go outside together.  We repeat the same thing in the evening.  She has started showing me a great deal of affection whenever I am sitting still.  She has even kneaded my head as I lay in bed.  I believe she knows my grief, and I am pretty sure she knows her love is greatly appreciated right now. God has truly provided humans with a gift…the gift of animals.  Only they truly have a pure and unconditional love void of any expectations or judgement.  He knew what he was doing when he offered us pets.  Sadly there are many people who won’t ever know that feeling.  Perhaps they are lucky in some way, because their hearts won’t be torn to shreds when they lose that love.  I, however, believe they are missing out on the greatest gift life has given us….unconditional love.

I will love you forever Obi. I know you are with me, but I look forward to the day I can hold you again.

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